


How Had Everything Gone So Wrong?

by Bliss_ful



Series: ✨Purely Sapnap✨ [4]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: (Platonic relationships though), Angst, Body Image, Friendship issues, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Sapnap Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), Scopophobia, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Starvation, Trauma, Unhealthy Relationships, body image issues, please someone give this boy a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28760469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bliss_ful/pseuds/Bliss_ful
Summary: He wished he was good enough for them to care anymore.★Okay I severely went out on this, the warnings mean something. Seriously, this could be triggering to some people:Tw// Intentional starvation and self-harm, panic attacks (I don’t know if they are in severe detail but I think they are in enough detail to trigger someone).Mention of throwing upScopophobia, or Fear of Being Stared At.★★Please don’t share my work or claim it as your own. If any of the CC’s included feel uncomfortable with anything in here I will take it down★
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), No Romantic Relationship(s)
Series: ✨Purely Sapnap✨ [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2097138
Comments: 5
Kudos: 72





	How Had Everything Gone So Wrong?

**Author's Note:**

> Again,  
> Tw// Intentional starvation and self-harm, panic attacks (I don’t know if they are in severe detail but I think they are in enough detail to trigger someone).  
> Mention of throwing up  
> Scopophobia, or Fear of Being Stared At.

He’d never seen himself as “fat” just a bit overweight. His mindset had changed when he was a bit younger, he’d been in a larger server and he and his friend had been coincidentally separated while trying to get back to their server. A few kids who must have been around his age had laughed at him and purposefully whispered loudly enough for him to hear about “how fat he was”. His opinion of himself had drastically changed after that.

He tried not to let it show and he tried not to let it bring him down. Some of his teachers had taught him when he got older that excessive and healthy eating habits would help, but they didn’t. Nothing worked. He tried and tried, but soon enough his two best friends just seemed to get prettier as they got older.

One was lean but muscular, the fat perfectly covered by muscle to make up for it. He had a pretty complexion but he hid it, he always tended to wear clothes that showed it off a bit though. He was kind to a tee, but strict. He gave off a threatening vibe but he was rather friendly with everyone, joking around and caring for people.

The other was pretty in a moonlight kind of way, short but also thin. Features smooth and far too pretty to be considered muscular like the other. He could be loud, but he was almost equally as kind, even if a bit awkward at times.

He on the other hand? He was loud, inappropriate at times, and joked far too often. When he was quiet it was always at the wrong times, and he never seemed to be able to take a hint. He had awful luck, and his looks? He was overweight, that much was clear from just looking at him, and didn’t have any boyish charm or pretty complexion to fix it. He was just- him. He wished he wasn’t sometimes.

When he got older he started.. doing some things. He almost wished he hadn’t, but it was easier even if it made him a bit more nervous. He starved himself for long periods of times, eating a couple grapes one day but feeling far too sick afterwards and throwing them up. He felt bad for his friends, seeing their worried looks slowly start to morph into more annoyed indifference as he denied longer and longer anything was wrong. He knew they were annoyed at having to ask, he knew they were starting to hate him, he knew they found him rude and selfish and so disgustingly horrid he should hate himself, and he did.

One day he couldn’t do it anymore and he locked himself in his room, he cried and sobbed and threw things everywhere for hours. He was thankful no one came into his house for the time, preferring to stay outside. They knew how he was and he was for once happy for a bit that he was loud and brash and known for destroying things. The happiness quickly died down to sadness, knowing no one really cared if he was hurt or not. They would think he’d gotten hurt trying to hurt someone else or ruin something. He almost gave up trying to “fix himself” but he couldn’t. He looked at his friends and saw how perfect all fo the, were, not just the ones he was closest to.

He got up and continued, even if it was bad. He broke down multiple times, ending up sobbing and crying on the floor, shaking for hours as his eyes darted around, he felt like someone was watching him and just wouldn’t leave. His hands dug into his arms and created bruises, as he periodically cut and cleaned them enough to not create lasting scars. The bruises seemed to worry his friends but it was easier to pretend nothing was wrong.

Nothing was wrong, right?

And things started to get worse. His friends divided themselves, creating rifts between him and others. He chose his best friends, and couldn’t help but sometimes regret it. He loved them, but they didn’t seem to be themselves. The care they’d shown once in return seemed to shrivel up and die. As soon as they (mostly just one, the other didn’t seem to care at all) forced him to move in with them his breakdowns got somehow worse. He couldn’t throw things or lock the door to his ‘room’ (it didn’t feel like his room, more like an inescapable prison), someone would get suspicious. So it turned into him looking the bathroom door, sitting in the bathtub, and tugging on his hair, his arms littered with bruises and even trails of bloody cuts he’d given up trying to prevent at this point. He reveled in it all and laughed, sobs escaping his mouth. Why was nothing going right? Why did everyone hate him and why couldn’t he understand?

No one cared. He was aware the other two heard the sobbing and the vomiting and the frantic laughter that seemed to constantly occupy his slowly draining sanity. He finally gave out. He slit his wrists and he tried to let himself bleed out. It didn’t seem to work, the cut was too small and it closed itself after he sat there for some time. He sobbed even more after that, feeling as if nothing would work. He stared around frantically, still feeling the constant eyes watching him. Someone was watching him? Who was watching him?! What did they want? WHY WOULDN’T THEY LEAVE HIM ALONE?! He sobbed into the late night and when he finally came out his eyes were red and puffy, large marks across his arms, legs, even some on his neck where he’d tried to scratch and choked himself for a few seconds before he’d passed out for some time.

No one seemed to care. Not his friends. Not anyone. He was fat and ugly, he couldn’t take care of himself without having a tantrum and breaking down violently. He barely helped anyone, not even himself. 

Sapnap just wished he was good enough for Dream and George to care for him again.

..How had everything gone so wrong?

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know how I wrote this all and I’m really sorry for anyone having to go through this. I myself have not, please forgive me if I portrayed anything wrong. I tried to the best of my abilities not to go off on a whim. This is not a vent fic or a portrayal to myself in any way. My heart goes out to anyone that has to live through this.
> 
> P.s I do not condone any of these acts nor would I ever say these things to he himself or anyone <3 thank you for reading


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